Categoryhumor

short fiction – a welcome

Short short fiction: write about a welcome

A Welcome 
By Laurie Freehafer

“What the hell happened!??”

“Son, you caught your death.
You picked at it and it never got well.
You put your eye out.
You stuck something in your ear smaller than your elbow.
You went outside with a wet head.
You squeezed your pimples and cracked your knuckles.
Your face froze that way.
Your eyes stayed crossed.
You made your parents pay to heat the outdoors.
You sat too close to the television.
You tripped over your toys and broke your neck.
‘Everyone else’ jumped off a cliff and you did too.
You thought your folks were made of money.
You made her turn the car around.
She counted to three but you still didn’t go to bed.
You went out dressed like that.
You didn’t have anything nice to say but you said something at all.
You made her come over there.
You made her call your father.
You had an answer for everything. In the end, you didn’t have clean underwear on and there was an accident. A bad one, son.”

“What ever happened to presumed innocent?”

“Oh, we already know you’re guilty. We’ve been watching you not listening to
your mother since you were born.”

“CHRIST! This is so bizzare!
Oh shit, my mother always said if I took the Lord’s name in vain I’d be
catching the next train to hades. Is this the gates of hell? Who are you?”

“It doesn’t matter who I am, and no, you’re not in trouble. We don’t take
sending people to hell lightly around here, you know.

What happened was this: You didn’t listen to your mother, so you died.  We see a lot of this around here. To be frank, your mother seemed a little smug at your funeral. And she’s blue in the face, you know. From all the warning.”

“But , like, where am I? I don’t know what’s ahead for me, um, if there is anything ahead for me, and I have no idea YIKES!!! I’m fucking FLYING! What the hell! Wheeeeeeeee!”

“Welcome to Afterlife, son.”

*————*

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Throw me a party

According to facebook, someone should be throwing me a big party today:

shorty daylefty day

 

(yeah, I know they probably aren’t actually both today…)

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